Dear Fox News Viewers,
I am very sorry to have to confirm your worst fears. There are in fact no-go zones in Britain. Speaking as someone who has lived around Birmingham, there are places you would find unwelcoming, so it is probably best to avoid going there. You will look out of place, you will sound out of place, accents will probably make no sense to you, and the people will probably employ sarcasm, which is liable to make you feel uncomfortable.
However, I should also add that as people can move around the country – we are a small island after all – it may be best to avoid our shores altogether.
In fact, while I’m at it, I should warn against Europe. The people there have a habit of deliberately talking their own language in front of you. It’s so rude to speak anything other than English, I’m sure you’ll agree.
And you know what – even some parts of your own country are a bit worrying. I lived in St Louis for a time, and do you know what I saw? Whole areas of the city had people with a different coloured skin to me! Whole areas! Hordes of them there were. They even came into the bars I was drinking and chatted to me, sometimes playing pool. With me. Outrageous. Best avoided, I say.
And when you think about it, some people probably follow a different religion to you, or even (shock, horror) none at all. It’s best to avoid those people too. You’re best off sticking to people who look like you. Maybe just your cousins. Apart from cousin Ralf. Since he went to college and came back with all those mad ideas about not being allowed to shoot people just because they’re black and in your neighbourhood, he’s probably a communist.
So, stay indoors. Out of sight. You’ll be happier, and I’m sure that the citizens of Birmingham and Paris will thank you for it.