Restaurants to be forced to draw up list of “Foreign Foods”

After a leaked memo from DEFRA, it appears the latest preparation for Brexit is to require all restaurants, including take-aways, to be required to draw up a list of foreign foods, defined as foods which have appeared in Britain since the 1972 European Act.

According to inside sources, this will then be combined with a cooling-off period of 14 days.  When asked how this work work in practice, Winston McDoofluff, legal consultant for the government, said "If, to take a merely random example, a consumer orders a pizza, then they will be required to wait 14 days, eating only 'Good honest British food, like meat and two veg'.  If then, at the end of the cooling-off period, they still for some inexplicable reason want a two-week-old takeaway pizza, they will then have it delivered as normal."

After a short pause, McDoofluff added: “This should get rid of all those foreign-sounding foods quickly, and greatly benefit the pasty industry, which we’re mainly supporting because opposition politicians don’t know how to eat them and look stupid.  Won’t affect us much, as our conference final dinner consists mostly of swan.”

The quinoa lobby is said to be furious, but unable to campaign effectively due to the difficulty of spelling and pronouncing their lobby group’s name.

Taylor Swift Philosophy 101.

Q1: From the original text (2014): “The haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate”  Discuss.

OK.  So, let’s break this down.

The haters gonna hate.  Well, yes.  That’s what they do.  They hate.  They generically hate.  They’re probably professional haters or something.  That’s fine.

The haters gonna hate hate.  Well, this is an intermediate step, because at this point they would hate the very essence of hate.  They wouldn’t love – no.  They would hate the hate.  They would find a visceral reaction to hate itself.

The haters gonna hate hate hate.  Aha, we are back to consistency.  Now the haters are hating their previous hatred of the essence of hate.  Again, there is no love here.  There is a hatred of the fact of despising the hate.  At attack on those who hate their now-implied hatred, perhaps.

The haters gonna hate hate hate hate.  Let’s not linger here, for here lies madness.  For at this point we are, in the role of “the haters”, hating the hatred of the fact of despising the hate.  We look at the people who hate the original essential hate, and we hate to hate them.

The haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.  OK, hang on to your heads here, we’re going for it.  Remember the people who viscerally hated the people who hated their hatred?  Well, now we’re (still playing the role of “the haters”) hating those intermediate haters who were hating the very essence of our original fire-hose of hatred.

I tell you, Taylor Swift is deep, man.

Next Week: Gender stereotypes and their over-reactionary opposites as played out in “Blank Space”.

We're Going on a Beer Hunt

We're going on a beer hunt
We're going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We're not scared

What's that?
A pub
A big friendly pub
We can't go over it
We can't go under it
Oh well, we'll have to go into it

Slurpy slurpy
Slurpy slurpy

We're going on a beer hunt
We're going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We're not scared

What's that?
A bar
A long beer-serving bar
We can't go over it (that would be a high-jump)
We can't go under it (that would be limbo)

Gluggy gluggy
Gluggy gluggy

We're going on a beer hunt
We're going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We're not scared

What's that?
A gastropub?
A real ale gastropub
We can't go over it
We can't go under it
Oh dear.  We'll have to go into it

Drinky drinky
Drinky drinky

We gong on a bee hun
We gong on a bee hun
What a booful da
We're not scared - who you calling scared? - you starting something?

Wassat?
Last orders?
Already? Last orders?
We can't go over it - oh for feck's sake
Quick everyone!  Order!

Quick, real ale!
Drinky drinky
Drinky drinky
Quick, beer!
Gluggy gluggy
Gluggy gluggy
Quick, more beer
Slurpy slurpy
Slurpy slurpy

Back to the hotel,
Back to our rooms,
Into bed,
Oh no! We forgot to get changed.  Oh sod it.
Wake up.
Head hurting.
We're not going on a beer hunt again.
(Yeah, right)

Imperial Unit Fears As Pint Found At Lowest Historical Level Against Litre

Following the market disturbances after the Brexit vote, fears have been raised this morning for the state of Britain’s drinkers following what brewers have been describing as a “run on the pint”.  It has flatlined now at its lowest historical level of 0.568 against the Euro-wide Litre.  It is also at its lowest against the US Pint, which is now worth a historically high 0.833GBP.

Former Chancellor Ken Clarke said “This is what you get for having a floating currency.  All we can do now is to try to keep confidence, which is why I will be using all my connections, especially those within Annie’s Bar in the House, to prop up the pint.”  He turned to go, before adding: “In fact, propping up’s on me.  Who’s coming?”

A spokesman for CAMRA said “Beards!  More beards!”  We don’t entirely understand why.

Rumours that the mile is also trading in historic lows has been rumoured to have affected the Square Mile of London rather hard, since it could be that there won’t be enough Pret-a-Mangers to go around if the City shrinks any further.  Suggestions that the unit of measurement, admired throughout the two remaining countries which use is, is now critically-endangered, have been met with scorn by Pro-Mile Campaigner Charlie Reid, who said “Look, ‘I would walk 804.672 kilometers’ just sounds silly.”

Nation rocked as entire basis of the British Honours system finally dawns on public

After more revelations about the nature of David Cameron’s farewell honours list today, the public were appalled to be told that an honours system entirely at the whim of the Prime Minister could be allocated entirely at the whim of the Prime Minister.

“It doesn’t seem right,” said one utter dullard with no understanding of the system whatsoever.  “I mean, it’s not like he’s elected or anything, is it?  And then the Queen actually gives them out, doesn’t she?  What’s that about?”

Another random person dragged from their daily shop said: “Surely there’s some kind of system, isn’t there?  You know, like a points system or something.  Doesn’t Australia have that?  Or is that immigration?”

Sir Philip Green, interviewed later, said “I thought British Honours System was what BHS stood for, which is why I tried to bring it down from within.  Now, where’s my yacht?”

A government spokesman, who asked not to be named, suggest that the public should remain at home until the reality of their own ignorance sinks in fully.

Donald Trump: “I don’t think this election is nearly rigged enough”

At a press conference this morning Republican candidate Donald Trump spoke out about the outrage of people who didn’t support him being allowed to vote.  “If you didn’t come to one of my rallies,” he said, “then I consider you un-American.  You don’t deserve to vote.  You’re probably a communist.  Or a Mexican.  Or worse, a liberal.  If you don’t have a gun, and little fingers, you shouldn’t vote.  If your name is similar to someone who’s been in prison, then no vote – if you can’t take care of your own name then why should I listen to you?  If you don’t have money, why should you be allowed to vote?  If your name isn’t Donald Tiberius Trumphammer, then why should you vote?  Why should anyone but me vote?  Why?  Trumphammer the Triumpant asks why?  WHY!”

At this point medics were called, but the press conference seemed to continue without anyone much noticing, the chants of “USA!  USA!” continuing unabated.

What is this life...?

What is this life, if without booze,
We cannot sit about and snooze?
If sober still we see the world,
Where all its horrors lie unfurled?
If all the pain and hate and fear,
Cannot be numbed with lovely beer?
What is this life if full of care,
We are not drinking anywhere?