Negotiation Roleplay, With Theresa May

Welcome to this week's course on "Negotiation Roleplay".  Now, this week we'll be demonstrating techniques for successful negotiating techniques.

OK, you two, settle down.  We're going to be roleplaying a difficult negotiation.  Say you're wanting to renegotiate a previous supply contract with your, say, outsourced catering department.  You want it to be less formal, for instance.  OK, Theresa, take it away.


Err, not really what I had in mind.  Perhaps Junker, you can kick us off.

"We insist you pay the existing bill first, and then we can discuss a new contract."

OK, that's not too bad.  Perhaps at least some pleasantries first?

"Hello.  We would like to thank you for your custom over these years, and want to ensure you're aware if you ever want the on-site catering again, we're more than happy to help you.  We would like you to pay your existing bills before we settle on a new contract, though."

OK, that sounds reasonable.  Theresa?


Err, how is that helping?

"We're not going to pay a penny until you give us a new contract."

"We could take you to the small claims court, you know?"


Oh, come come now, this really isn't helping.  Look, Theresa, any chance you could start off with a calm position so we can look at how this will play out?

"I don't want to pay anything."

But you've had the catering, right?



"We've paid money for catering.  Lots of money.  We've been a net contributor to catering."

Possibly, but you've only paid until last year, and you've got more food coming, right?

"No.  We decided to stop having food."

But next year.  You're having food until next year.

"Which we're not paying for."

"See what we have to deal with?  She's living in another galaxy."

Oh dear, is that the time?  Well, I guess we'll just have to stop there.  I hope you've all learned something.  Remember, starting this weeks is Politics for Numpties, where we explain how things will change radically and your situations will all get better by electing the same unfeasibly rich people over and over again and ignoring the fact that every time you've elected them in the past things, for you specifically, have got worse.

Have a nice week.