Europe - The Final Countdown

Were you aware that while some people go to Nostradamus for their prophecy, I ponder the writings of the 1980s Swedish popular music ensemble “Europe”, and their prophetic recording of an obvious warning of the Article 50 process is spectacular.

Presaging the Scottish Independence vote.
The whole UK is going.
Obviously re-entry to the EU remains a goal for some.
The kind of hand-washing we are used to in politicians.
And the disruption coming here, only hinted at.

Claims were out of this world.
Pretending to be a Great Power still
Will other nations respect us?
Will they do the deals with us?
Well, there’s a lot of work to be done.
Hinting at our new place in the world.
And hinting at regrets, already rising.

And now the final countdown really begins
Really beginning
Yes, it’s really beginning.
It’s absolutely the final countdown.

Still the final countdown.
Haven’t quite left yet.
No, not yet.
Ooh, it goes on doesn’t it.

Yeah, come on, surely we’ve had it now.

You said that. We’ll all miss the EU.
Come on, just leave if you’re going.
You’re like a cat playing offside.

Oh, shut up.

We're leaving together,
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back
To earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground (leaving ground)
Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final countdown
The final countdown

We're heading for Venus (Venus)
And still we stand tall
'Cause maybe they've seen us (seen us)
And welcome us all, yeah
With so many light years to go
And things to be found (to be found)
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so

It's the final countdown
The final countdown
The final countdown
The final countdown

The final countdown,oh
It's the final count down
The final countdown
The final countdown
The final countdown
It's the final count down
We're leaving together
The final count down
We'll all miss her so
It's the final countdown
It's the final countdown
It's the final countdown, yeah.

Obi R - The Office of Budget Responsibility

When people refer to the OBR, it seemed to me that sounded like Obi R.  Who is obviously a rapper...

Obi R

I’m the office of budget responsibility
When it comes to budgets better listen to me
I know the difference ‘tween deficit and debt, you see
I know what it takes to grow your GDP.
If you need to know how much your great new policy costs
Or how much you have to spend on your NHS trusts
If you need to calculate a higher income tax band
Or whether 1% on VAT is something people would stand
Then I say you come to me, and get your budget reviewed
Because if you don’t I’d say you’re being more than just rude
You disrespect my office, then you disrespect me
You’ll be hearing my opinions on the BBC.
I’ll be pumping out my numbers right on Money Box Live
Or on More Or Less or Newsnight, you’ll be hearing my jive
I will hit you with my numbers, get you right in the purse
When I finish with my spreadsheet, you’ll be needing a nurse.
And I’ll tell you what they cost you – that’s the nurses that is.
And if you say cost-neutral, I’ll say don’t take the piss.
Because we know responsibility, we know what is what
And if you don’t agree, then you’re a massive twot.

Why We Have To Reapply Sanctions To The Whitehouse Wisteria

Why we have to reapply sanctions to the Whitehouse wisteria.

It has failed to comply with our previous agreement not to attempt to develop nuclear technology, repeatedly breaking the nuclear of its cells to grow.  I was told by butternists.  They tell the truth, not like scientists who lie about global warming.

It has destabilized the region.  Look at the number of firings and resignations within its local area.

It think it steals my covfefe.  Look at that guilty black soil.

It has refused to respond to diplomacy.  Diplomacy made by idiots.  Who uses diplomacy now anyway?

It has failed to respond to threats of fire and fury the like of which it would never have known.  Believe me.  I know.  I have the best fire.  And the best fury.  And the best furries.   What?  Don't print that.  I never said that.

It sounds foreign.  Invasive species?  Immigrant species.  Build a wall, and no, don't let them climb up it.

Gather it up and get it out of my sight.  Some kind of plant camp.  Maybe call it a nursery to make it sound nice.

The largest wisteria is in California.  Like democrats.  They're in California, and they're bigly stains on the country.  A beautiful country.  Which should have no hard-to-spell plants.

Plant.  It's a plant.  I've heard spy stories.  Plants are bad.

Did I mention it hasn't replied to my words?  My great words.  The best.  Why wouldn't it evolve hands just to applaud my cleverliness?  Idiot.  Weak.  FAKE PLANT!

Chinese wisteria is an invasive species, here illegally.  Make American Wisteria Great Again.  MAWGA  MAWGA  MAWGA.  Except I'm throwing out our own wisteria out too.  It all came here at some point.  Anything which wasn't in America during the flood has to go.  BUILD THAT ARK.

Overheard conversation between a tulip and an economist

Overheard conversation between a tulip from Amsterdam and an economist.

"So, Bitcoin, right?"
"Yes, Tulip?"
"Didn't people thought we were overvalued?"
"Yes, Tulip, you were. Well, in 1637, absolutely insanely so."
"But you can grow a nice tulip from me."
"Yes, but you'd gone up in value by orders of magnitude. It made no sense. No one understood what was going on."
"Well, unless a collective mania grips the people and they constantly believe other people will pay more and fear that they will look weak by quitting too soon. It feels quite inevitable that that will happen. Over and over."
"Good point, Tulip. You've really got human psychology down-pat."
"Well how do you think I make people like me?"
"Fair enough."
"But Bitcoin isn't even pretty. It's not even a nice deep red colour, reminding people of the colour of artificially-coloured lips."
"That's true. If an odd way for a bulb to put it."
"So what's the deal with Bitcoin?"
"It's a currency, though. A cryptocurrency."
"Can you grow it?"
"Well, not as such. But it's untraceable. That's the point."
"So the point of having it is that no one knows you do?"
"Yes, that's about it."
"Isn't that exactly the opposite of everything else mankind has ever found valuable?"
"Good point, Tulip. Again, you have me."
"You know what, I'm glad I'm a plant. I don't have to worry about my fellow plants. They're not batshit crazy. Although we all like bat shit. It's the best."
"But it's valuable because there's only be a limited amount of it."
"So if there's a limited amount of something it will have an intrinsic value, even if it's made-up?"
"What about if there's a really really limited amount of something? Like if there's only ever going to be one of it, ever ever ever, and it's really really great and everyone loves it?"
"You mean like the Mona Lisa?"
"I was more thinking of the planet."


When you’re up early and you want to have breakfast you can always go.
There is a kettle, you can make yourself tea or any other drinks

Listen to the radio with its news about the morning
Look outside the window where a brand new day is dawning.
Maybe some toast.

The tea is made, hot and strong and you can take a break
Your toast can be buttered and eaten and you’ll feel awake

So have your tea and rest a bit and let your mind a-wander
Do not think too much about the government’s new blunder
A day has begun
You’ve made tea and that means you’ve already won
‘Cos you’re downstairs.
Things will be great when you’re
You won’t be late ‘cos you’re

Today is waiting for you.

Personality Test

Just did one of these personality tests. Either it's saying I'm very complex, have quite high anxiety and self-reliance, with an unusual bulge for sensitivity, friendliness, intellect and emotional stability. Or it's saying I'm a cock.


FAQ section:
No, I didn't actually do a personality test.
Yes, I did just draw a cock on a graph.
Yes, I do actually feel proud of myself.

Boris "Fuzzy-Wuzzy" Johnson

On the occasion of the British Foreign Secretary not understanding that colonial poetry is not best read out on visits to former colonies..


So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, as you swan around the world,
With your maaah, and wiff-waff jollity, while the chaos is unfurled.
An 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your Brexit plans in play,
As you sit along the sidelines, plotting the fall of May

So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your Bullingdon Club style
You're a self-regarding tossbag, but one who's worth a pile.
An 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your game show host decorum
As you even convince Trump's men you cannot be relied on.

So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, making news where-e'er you go
Risk our futures on a pitch-and-toss, then fumbling your throw
An 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, Garden Bridge gone down the pan,
You big great streak of shite - what a poor excuse for man.

So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'ome in London Town,
You're embarrassing to all of us, not noticing our frown.
An' 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your 'ayrick 'ead of 'air -
You incompetent buffoon - please fuck off over there.

The Greatest Love of All

I believe the children are our future
Teach them that they have to pay their way
Show them all the debt they can have for life
Give them a sense of shame
To make it easier

Let the children's ardure
Let us live how it used to be.
Everybody searching for a scapegoat
People need someone to look down on
Never found anyone I couldn't crush their dreams.

A lonely place to be
So learned just to care 'bout me.

I decided long ago, never to care about anyone's hardship
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what I take from thee
As long as I take your dignity

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me.
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
Is the greatest love of all.

Sympathy for Theresa

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a May of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole Maidenhead’s seat to waste

And I was 'round when Cameron
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Osborne
Stood aside, and then was gone

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around 10 Downing Street
When I saw it was a time for a change
Saw off all other ministers
Boris Johnson screamed in vain

I rode the wave
On the general craze
When the Brexit raged
And the economy caved

I watched with glee
While the Labour party
Fought internally
And not over me
(Woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out,
Who killed the opposition?
When after all
It was you and me

Let me please introduce myself
I'm a May of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for progressives
All shot down before they change the game
(Woo woo, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
(Woo woo, who who)

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Theresa
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
(Who who, who who)

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
(Woo woo)
Use all your well-learned politics
Or I'll lay Britain to waste, mm yeah
(Woo woo, woo woo)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, mm yeah
(Who who)
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, mm mean it, get down
(Woo woo, woo woo)


Negotiation Roleplay, With Theresa May

Welcome to this week's course on "Negotiation Roleplay".  Now, this week we'll be demonstrating techniques for successful negotiating techniques.

OK, you two, settle down.  We're going to be roleplaying a difficult negotiation.  Say you're wanting to renegotiate a previous supply contract with your, say, outsourced catering department.  You want it to be less formal, for instance.  OK, Theresa, take it away.


Err, not really what I had in mind.  Perhaps Junker, you can kick us off.

"We insist you pay the existing bill first, and then we can discuss a new contract."

OK, that's not too bad.  Perhaps at least some pleasantries first?

"Hello.  We would like to thank you for your custom over these years, and want to ensure you're aware if you ever want the on-site catering again, we're more than happy to help you.  We would like you to pay your existing bills before we settle on a new contract, though."

OK, that sounds reasonable.  Theresa?


Err, how is that helping?

"We're not going to pay a penny until you give us a new contract."

"We could take you to the small claims court, you know?"


Oh, come come now, this really isn't helping.  Look, Theresa, any chance you could start off with a calm position so we can look at how this will play out?

"I don't want to pay anything."

But you've had the catering, right?



"We've paid money for catering.  Lots of money.  We've been a net contributor to catering."

Possibly, but you've only paid until last year, and you've got more food coming, right?

"No.  We decided to stop having food."

But next year.  You're having food until next year.

"Which we're not paying for."

"See what we have to deal with?  She's living in another galaxy."

Oh dear, is that the time?  Well, I guess we'll just have to stop there.  I hope you've all learned something.  Remember, starting this weeks is Politics for Numpties, where we explain how things will change radically and your situations will all get better by electing the same unfeasibly rich people over and over again and ignoring the fact that every time you've elected them in the past things, for you specifically, have got worse.

Have a nice week.

Fitness Watches Less Useful Than Shouty Drunk, Research Finds

In a trial conducted in what has to be admitted is a very dull office in Basingstoke, researchers found that an annoying watch buzzing when it wants you to get up had a 45% less chance of achieving that aim than a drunk bloke called Baz running through the office shouting “I’ve had a feckin’ skinful, by the way”.

According to Gill Flatliner-Placemat, who works in HR for legal firm Corpus, Corpus and Deathgrip: “I find the buzzing annoying, and sometimes I get up, but when Baz burst into our office we all had to run for the door.  I did two hundred steps before I knew it, plus there’s a bonding experience in all trying to hide in the stationery cupboard together.  It’s really transformed our working environment.”

Sales of “Drunken Baz Experience” vouchers rocketed on the news, and it is expected that the government is going to present a “Drunken Baz” bill in the next parliament in the hope that it will more than pay for itself in reduced NHS expenses.

British Government apologies after stationery found not to have “No Offence” pre-printed.

A spokesman from St James’s this morning issued a press release: “As part of the government’s austerity measures, the pre-printed stationery was replaced with a bulk purchase from Ryman’s.  It was expected that ambassadors would add the customary ‘No Offence’ line to the end of their own communiqués from here on.  We unreservedly apologise to the US government for Mr Whittingly-Whittingly-Whittingly’s unfortunate letter.”

The letter in question was received by the US Secretary of State last week, stating “What the fuck did you guys just do?  You do realise you’ve elected an utter cockwomble.”

A spokesman for the US Embassy in London said “We were shocked.  Shocked.  I mean, if you guys had added no offence to the end we’d have put it down to that famous British humor of yours.  Although we might have had to look up what exactly you mean my ‘cockwomble’.  But without that, I’m afraid it’s war.”

Mr Whittingly-Whittingly-Whittingly was unavailable for comment, as he had last been seen entering a darkened room with a small revolver and a bottle of whisky, as is customary on these occasions.

Headline Agrees With What You Already Thought

Readers were shocked today to find out that sometimes a news story doesn’t actually say what the headline does, and were scientifically proven to be utter twatwads when they shared the post on social media without reading it.

Bob Holnes (no relation) of East Finchley (no relation), said “The headline agreed with me, and that’s enough, right?  I don’t want to waste my time actually reading shit.  What’s that about?  I’ve got to get back to my casual racism and discussing all the issues I believe in with all the guys down the pub who agree with me.  Oh, and my balls aren’t going to scratch themselves, are they?”

Dr Edgar Fanhangle (no relation), Professor of Confirmation Bias at the University of Ennui, Basingstoke, said “That’s an obvious case of confirmation bias, one of the clearest I’ve ever seen” before we’d even told him what we wanted to talk to him about.

A local reader, Peter McKenzie (no relation), said “It’s no good.  I tell them the article is made up, or doesn’t actually say what they think, but they carry on sharing it.  I don’t understand.  Why don’t they read it?”  He then began sobbing quietly.